


i love your shine, even if it hurt my eyes

by hwnghynjn



Series: u r a star in my sky (별) [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, even tho its only minsung, i did a lot of research and i hope im not offending anyone with this, im whipped for them oh my god?? anyway this boutta get deep, im writing this on mobile at 3 am ive hit a point, jisung has bipolar disorder, lowercase intended, minsung - Freeform, stray kids bitch, yes i have issues mMm love projecting onto my babies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 07:25:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16488257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hwnghynjn/pseuds/hwnghynjn
Summary: jisung is always too slow or too fast, but minho is always there to pull him up or calm him down.one day he falls too far.trigger warning: mentions of bipolar disorder, implied death and suicide. please do not read if these make you uncomfortable or affect you negatively.





	i love your shine, even if it hurt my eyes

**Author's Note:**

> this might be worse or better than my seungjin, but either way, i hope you all like this.
> 
> troye's blue neighbourhood album helped me a lot while writing this. i suggest you guys listen to it while reading to.. mayhaps intensify the experience :)
> 
> i'm SORRY JISUNG KJKHKJH i love you squirrel baby 
> 
> i'll write fluff to make up for this soon <3
> 
> thank you for reading and remember, leave a comment because they always make my day!

15/09/18

jisung was always too fast or too slow. he either tripped over his own scurried footsteps from one place to another or barely moved, staying in one spot for longer than anyone considered normal.

normal. he'd lost sight of that word since he was eight.

sometimes he tries his best to slow down, pretending like he's walking in slow motion, when he's actually just keeping up with everyone around him at a normal speed. those days are slightly better. no one stares at him when he jumbles up his words, his mind working faster than his tongue, or purposely trips him in the hallways when all he's thinking is must go, have to move, no time, faster, practically running.

the last time they tripped him he tasted blood in his mouth. from then on he made an effort to move slowly, as if he were moving in water.

those days were still better than the slumps. the lows, the valley he inevitably fell into every cycle. his mood would change and like an unseen storm on the horizon he would become sullen, silent, and detached, as if someone had turned his power off. those days were the worst because while he could force himself to slow down, he couldn't even be bothered to speed up when he was down.

when he went to class, he sat there like a statue. his teachers were used to it- or rather, used to thinking that he was just throwing a tantrum or woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

he'd been alone in this journey. an ocean journey, because of how it tossed and turned and made him sick.

he hated the ocean.

then one day, on one of his particularly down days, someone tapped on his shoulder in the library.

he'd been staring at the same page for so long that his eyes were red and dry and sore and starting to tear up but he couldn't bother to close them. he was contemplating whether to sleep or do something and his brain was weakly calling out for the former.

_you don't need to do anything. you're gonna fuck up anyway._

then- "hey."

a soft pat landed on his shoulder, and it felt like it took everything in jisung's body to turn around. he wasn't even smiling.

in front of him was... minho? a boy in his photography class. senior, a year or two older than him, and was currently looking at him with a bright smile on his face.

too bright. jisung couldn't look away.

"i was wondering if you knew where mr robinson's new office is? they moved around and i saw you go meet him on tuesday, so..." minho trails off as jisung looks at him. he's not sure what happened or whether the other boy heard him at all. the brown of his eyes are glazed over but not with tears - they're struggling to focus.

"yeah." jisung clears his throat. "yes. he's in east b-2 now. next to the home economics lab." his throat is dry and rough from suddenly being used, after he'd stayed silent since last evening and the whole of today. but that didn't seem to matter to minho, who smiled and thanked him profusely before running off.

his smile stuck with jisung for the rest of the day.

 

19/09/18

he's feeling on top of the world again. he feels like he can do anything, and that's what's running through his mind as he runs out of the school gates and nearly into oncoming traffic-

"careful!" an arm reaches out and stops him right as a bus rushes by, missing him by a hair's breadth.

he turns to look at the owner of the arm and sees lee minho, flustered and ... angry? he is frowning and looks both relieved yet frustrated at the same time.

"do you not look before crossing the road?" he asks loudly, not shouting but clearly agitated. jisung doesn't really know what to say back.

"sorry. wasn't looking." he answers shortly. there's something about minho which keeps him in place. usually he'd be off doing something else by now. if someone made him stay in place for too long he'd get frustrated into a frenzy, tapping his foot, playing with his fingers. it's how he got the scar on his eyebrow when he was ten and his teacher wouldn't let him go to the bathroom so he kept rocking his chair back and forth until he fell, his chair falling onto his forehead.

"can you please be more careful? there isn't always going to be someone there to catch you, you know?" minho asks, more calmly. jisung nods hurriedly, and before minho can walk away he catches him by the wrist.

"do you want to go somewhere with me?"  
-  
jisung brings him to an abandoned building.

he's only ever been there once, when he stumbled across it at midnight during his impulsive walks. he'd explored a bit in the front of it but vowed to return another day, and now here they were, standing in front of a mildly creepy building with the door kicked in and the windows in the front broken.

"is this where you wanted to take me?" minho asked, and jisung nods, fiddling with the doorknob until the door swung open slowly.

"interesting first date." minho says drily, entering after jisung and looking around. jisung's heart beats a little faster but he chooses to ignore it.

it's an old shophouse, but there's nothing in the front of the store except for the door, the broken display window, and a rusty bent clothing rack. the built in cashier table is dusty like the rest of the place is and their shoes make prints in the dirt and debris on the floor.

"do you do this all the time? like you just explore abandoned places after school?" jisung shrugs as he turns on his phone flashlight to look into the back rooms.

"yeah, pretty much. sometimes i come across really cool things. sometimes they're boring. let's go into this room." jisung answers, forcing himself to speak a bit slower so that minho can actually understand. thankfully he does, and follows jisung inside without complaint.

 

23/09/18

it's been a few days after minho followed jisung on one of his excursions, and jisung is having another one of his down days. it's not as bad as his previous ones but he still skips lunch because he feels like he might throw up if he eats the greasy food school has to offer, and that's why minho finds him in the library, eyes closed and leaning against the wall in the section furthest back.

jisung feels someone sitting next to him, and he opens his eyes to see minho with a book in his hands.

"shit, you scared me." minho says, jokingly holding a hand against his heart. he settles and opens his book.

"sorry." jisung says, his voice a bit rough. he hasn't used it since the morning. "why are you here?"

"because i want to read, and it's a library?" minho replies. jisung shakes his head and feels a bit dizzy. he supposes he should have had lunch after skipping breakfast.

"i mean, why would you sit here? next to me?" jisung says, and minho looks at him like he's making a joke.

"because i want to. and besides, there are people whispering really loudly in the front." minho places a sudden finger on jisung's lips, as if shushing him. "now, you can go back to sleep and let me read. we only have forty minutes left of lunch."

jisung is too lazy to retort and his head feels a little light so he closes his eyes and leans against the wall again, but it isn't long before he falls asleep, head on minho's shoulder.

when he wakes up he's in the hospital, and minho's sitting next to him, his book out and glancing up at him every once in awhile.

"you're awake!"  minho exclaims, then quietens down when he gets an agitated stare from the family across from them visiting their grandmother or something. "are you feeling better?" he whispers, laying a warm hand across jisung's cold forehead.

"why am i here?" jisung asks. he sits up slowly but his head spins and minho lightly pushes him back down.

"don't get up. you passed out on me just now in the library. do you know how freaked out i was when i shook you and you didn't wake up?" minho scolds quietly, but there's no bite to his tone, more worried and caring.

it scares jisung, how much he enjoys it.

"also, i can't believe you didn't eat. from now on i'm making sure you eat, you hear me? even if i have to spend the whole of lunch next to you." jisung gulps and nods, heat spreading from the back of his neck to around his ears. minho mistakes his expression as regret and places a hand on the other boy's, stroking a gentle thumb across his knuckles.

"do you feel like you can eat?" jisung nods his head slowly, and minho passes him an energy bar from his bag plus a bottle of gatorade.

"don't rush. just take small bites." he instructs, and jisung follows, nibbling at the bar and taking tiny sips of the gatorade to wash each bite down.

after a final checkup the doctor deems jisung well enough to return home and they leave after strict instructions from the doctor to make sure he has three meals a day and not to restrict himself.

"he's underweight for his height as it is." the doctor had said, shaking his head. "there's nothing attractive about landing yourself in the hospital after you become too weak to stand on your own."

minho had looked at him worriedly, and jisung wanted to reply. _i'm not anorexic._ he'd wanted to answer back. _i just can't be bothered._

minho had walked him home, the journey filled to the brim with silence as jisung looked everywhere but at the older.

"i don't want to pry, jisung-" jisung's head had snapped up at that, and he'd said the words before he even knew what was going on.

"i'm not anorexic." he said, and minho looked at him, relief softening his features. jisung looks away. minho's hopefulness is too bright for him.

"i've never been anorexic. but-" he gulps. it's hard to get the words out when there are years of bullying, harsh words, rough shoves and poisonous stares that are filling up his throat and making it hard to speak.

but he does it. he forces himself to gulp the fear down and turns to minho, his eyes blazing with whatever dignity he has left.

"i have bipolar disorder." he says, and minho looks at him with- what? what's that? it's not sympathy or pity, or hate and judgment. no, it's- jisung struggles to wrap his head around it.

it's understanding.

"thank you for telling me." minho says softly, and jisung wishes he could replace every single negative emotion he'd had regarding his bipolar disorder with the soft look in minho's eyes that seem to tell him exactly what he says next.

"i'll be here. don't worry."

that's a hefty promise to make and a hefty promise to keep, but jisung hopes.

oh, he hopes.

 

19/10/18

a month into becoming friends with minho and he hasn't let him down yet, thus marking the furthest friendship jisung has ever had.

"where do you want to go today?" minho asks, and jisung shrugs. its not exactly an up day for him but not a down down either. somehow he's somewhere in the middle. minho has this effect on him where he lowers his highs and heightens his lows, and now he spends more time in the middle.

"we could just go to my place and watch a movie." jisung says, and minho nods his approval. they climb up the stairs to jisung's place and suddenly he feels a pang of anxiety. he's never brought anyone home before. what if minho sees the state of his apartment and decides he doesn't want to be friends with him anymore? what if it's too small, too cramped, too blue- his sofa is blue and the walls in his kitchen are blue and he has a mood light which is blue sometimes and his room curtains are blue, even though his favourite colour is red-

"jisung?" minho's voice floats into his frenzied thoughts, breaking the noise in his mind. "are you okay? isn't this your floor?"

they're already at the sixth floor. jisung nods, something blocking the back of his throat.

 _might as well,_ he convinces himself. _if he does, i'm actually right for once. if he doesn't, then i'm pleasantly surprised._

but he doesn't want to be right.

they walk down the hallway. it's dimly lit, and a lightbulb is flickering behind them somewhere. jisung arrives in front of his apartment, and before he unlocks the door he turns to minho.

"it's really, uh, it's really small, because it's just me, and it's not very nice either, and it might be messy, i don't know-" minho shushes him with a soft pat on his head.

"jisung. i don't care what your house looks like. i'm just happy you invited me." he says quietly, and it feels like a giant weight has lifted off jisung's shoulders as he heaves a sigh of relief, opening the door.

he's been living alone for the past two years, after his mom had up and left them for another man and his dad had to travel so constantly that they both decided it would be best if they loved separately.

it's small but it's enough. a living room and a kitchenette. a small balcony. his bedroom, a store room that he converted into a closet, and two bathrooms - one with a shower in his room, one without. sometimes he forgets to buy groceries and just eats ramen or bread. he once got into a slump so bad that the only place he shuffled in and out of was his room, the bathroom, and occasionally the living room. jisung put his bag down, standing a bit awkwardly despite it being his own home.

"we're gonna watch the movie on my laptop, so, uh, i'll go change, then we'll watch it in my room?" jisung hurriedly enters his bedroom and closes the door. there are a couple of shirts on the floor, and his papers are strewn haphazardly on the desk, but in general it smells fine and he changed his bedsheets two days ago. he throws the shirts into his laundry basket, arranges the papers into a rough approximation of tidiness, changes into a hoodie and sweatpants, and powers up his laptop before beckoning minho in.

"you can choose what you wanna watch." jisung says, moving in a little so that minho can sit on his bed comfortably. it makes jisung blush, and he's thankful for the hoodie covering up the back of his neck which he's sure is red.

"any preferences?" minho asked. jisung shrugged. "i don't watch a lot of movies, so-"

"maybe we should pick one both of us haven't seen before." so they scroll together and arrive at a movie with 4/5 stars, and after settling the laptop on both their laps, they start the movie.

about twenty minutes into the movie, the main character is diagnosed as bipolar, and minho turns to look at jisung. "still wanna watch this?"

"yeah, i'm fine." jisung says, not turning to look at minho for fear that he might accidentally do something stupid. like kiss him, for example. they're both sitting against his pillows, legs outstretched, and they have a pillow underneath the laptop propping it up. it's comfortable- maybe a little too comfortable, because jisung's head is practically on minho's shoulder, and minho's arm is on the pillows behind jisung, almost around him.

"i'm interested to see how they portray it. everyone's different but some movies are so inaccurate that they're funny." jisung says. they watch in silence for another fifteen minutes. the main character is getting bullied at school. jisung feels his heart clench, but he doesn't say anything, only flinching a little bit when the first punch lands, but minho notices and reaches over to skip forward.

this time jisung's heart skips a beat, but for an entirely different reason.

he shuffles a bit closer to minho, leaning against his shoulder, and the elder seems completely comfortable, moving his arm to wrap it securely around jisung's shoulder.

it's nice and comfortable, and they sit like that until the movie ends.

"i'm too lazy to get up." minho mumbles, and jisung is so close to him that he can feel him speak, and he's blushing again.

"you could, uh, stay here if you want." jisung says, and a surge of unknown bravery enters him. he doesn't move but he feels minho turning to look at him.

"would you be okay with that?" he asks quietly, and jisung nods.

that's how minho ends up next to jisung, freshly showered, dressed in one of jisung's bigger hoodies, still wearing the sweatpants he wore before. the room is dark now and jisung knows he should be trying to sleep but the thought of lee minho, very real, very beautiful and very present beside him harrows on his mind and his heart is beating so loudly he's sure minho can hear it.

"hey, minho?" he whispers. minho hums from beside him.

"thank you for being friends with me." he says softly. minho sighs quietly, and brings a hand up to ruffle jisung's hair.

"you don't have to thank me." minho reprimands, his arm snaking around jisung and pulling him into a sudden hug. jisung stops breathing for a second but lays there, quiet and thankful.

"i really like you." he whispers, but minho is already asleep.

 

25/10/18

it's a few days later when jisung is hyper again. he's been good at taking his meds, what with the daily reminder from minho, but sometimes he has his highs.

"minho! minhominhominho-" jisung calls, bounding over to minho's side where he sits with his phone. the elder looks up, startled. "happy birthday!" he says brightly, and minho smiles.

"didn't think you'd remember, but thanks, sungie." he grins and jisung loves that smile, he loves how it lifts minho's whole face and brightens him up from the inside.

"i planned something for you. do you have time?" he says, pulling onto minho's wrist by habit. minho laughs as he gets up.

"i'll always have time for you, sung." and off they go.

jisung brings minho to a beautiful rooftop garden, hidden on top of a nearly deserted bakery. the flowers drip out of hanging flowerpots and the sun hits the glass panes above just right to create a beautiful work of shadow and light on the floor.

"how did you find this place?" minho says in awe, and jisung shrugs, placing his bag down before running toward minho with a small box in hand.

"i made friends with the owner of the bakery! she's old and doesn't have many customers but i buy cakes from her every once in awhile. like this one!" he tugs at minho, indicating for him to sit down, and opens the box to reveal a small, beautiful cake, iced in pretty shades of yellow and white, topped with little chocolate flowers and iced with the words "happy birthday minho!" in a powdery blue.

"thank you so much, jisung." minho smiles with the force of ten thousand suns, and jisung smiles back sheepishly.

"i didn't manage to get a lighter but i hope you still like your cake? i wasn't sure what flavour you liked so i went with chocolate, everyone likes chocolate, right?" jisung babbles on as minho's smile grows.

"i really, really love it, jisung." minho looks at jisung and his eyes soften. "i like you, too."

"what?" jisung stares at him, a smile frozen on his face. minho regrets instantly, trying to pull back his words.

"no, i mean-"

"why would you?" jisung asks, and it breaks minho's heart to see him looking at him, genuinely curious.

"because you're you, sungie. because when you're happy i want you to never stop being happy and when you're not i can't stop thinking of ways to make you happier. because when- when you fall asleep on me, i feel really warm inside. because that day when you didn't wake up after me calling you, i was so scared. so, so scared." jisung has tears in his eyes but minho continues. he's never heard the elder say so much in one go.

"you always brighten my day, sungie, and i want to always be there to make sure you're okay, that you never have to go through your downs again, and if you do i'll be there to hold you up. i love you and i'm sorry that this is rushed and not well-planned, i just am really really happy-"

this time, jisung shushes him, a finger on his lips.

"i like you, minho." he whispers, the words quiet but strong in the sun-soaked air of the rooftop, and it rings in minho's ears as jisung leans in, planting a soft kiss on his cheek.

"happy birthday." jisung smiles, and minho can't stop himself from holding the back of jisung's neck and pulling him in for a deeper kiss, this time on the lips. the cake lays forgotten momentarily at the side as their lips work together to make jisung's head spin. he stumbles a bit, but minho holds him warmly, reassuringly, his soft lips singing a melody that only jisung can hear as he leans further into minho. he gently bites down on jisung's lip and jisung lets out a small, surprised whine, and minho pulls back.

"did i hurt you?" minho looks a bit breathless, his eyes shining and his cheeks a bit redder than usual. jisung shakes his head. 

"it's okay. i really liked it." jisung smiles, and minho grins at him.

"now, the cake. god, i can't believe we forgot about the cake!" he laments, and jisung passes him a fork and they enjoy the cake under the warm sunshine.

usually jisung doesn't let himself believe in fairy tales, but with minho, he thinks the writers might have been onto something.

 

29/10/18

"do you think i'm crazy?"

jisung is lying on minho's chest, hearing his comforting heartbeats through the fabric of his sweatshirt. his eyes are dry and his body is heavy, tired. he doesn't know if he's eaten, but he thinks minho fed him some soup earlier.

"no. never, sungie." minho says, toying with jisung's hair idly between his fingers.

it's the weekend. jisung should be happy about it, but he just wants to lie down and not think about anything for a long time.

"sometimes." jisung struggles to continue, something he always has trouble with when he has his downs. it's like a hand has wrapped itself around his throat, only allowing certain things out.

minho hums, lets him know he's there, listening. jisung feels a small glimmer of thankfulness for that.

"sometimes it feels like i shouldn't talk. i don't know." minho runs his hand through jisung's hair, comforting him. it works.

a little.

"sungie. you know i'll always be there to hear whatever you have to say." he reminds gently, and jisung knows. he knows minho is there, always, and it stings him when he is, because he knows he doesn't deserve it. he doesn't deserve minho.

"i'm so tired, minho. i'm exhausted." he feels a lone tear make its way down his cheek, and minho brushes it away softly, sitting up slowly.

"hey. jisung. look at me." minho keeps one hand free to brush away the tears that keep falling, his hand steady and warm around the younger's hand.

"i don't know what you tell yourself all the time, but i'm here. i'm here, always, even when you think you don't make sense. even when you hate your voice but you just want to say something. i'm here to listen." 

"kiss me."

when minho stares at him, an unreadable expression in his face, jisung's tears fall faster and he rephrases it.

"can you? please kiss me?"

minho obliges, leaning in and capturing jisung's lips in his own. he kisses him softly, but fervently, as if he's trying to combat every tear with his lips. 

it slowly gets heated when jisung bites harder than he means to onto minho's lip and he groans, the sound heating jisung up from the inside. minho's sitting up straighter but jisung presses their bodies close until he's practically on top of minho, his knees on either side of minho's legs.

he doesn't know if it's helping or making it worse. all he knows is he's sorry that minho has to put up with him and maybe.

maybe if he had something to give back to him he'd stay. 

their tongues press together, and minho's arm snakes around jisung's waist, leaving one arm on the back of his neck as the touch causes jisung to gasp a little, his hands tangled in the back of minho's hair, their hearts beating fast. 

"minho. m-minho," jisung says breathlessly, and when minho pulls back, his eyes lit with a fire different from anything jisung's seen before, which causes a thrill in him. too shy to get the actual words out, he taps his own neck and minho seems to understand, placing a soft kiss in the bend between neck and shoulder. he bites down gently and jisung has to bite down on his lip to stop himself from making any embarassing sounds, his face hot as minho works at his mark, forming quickly under jisung's tender skin.

jisung tugs at the back of minho's shirt and reconnects their lips, and it's only when jisung's hand brushes against a bare strip of minho's stomach, caused by the constant moving that they'd done, that minho pulls back. he looks at jisung, his eyes still red and his cheeks red and his lips very red and swollen.

"i'm sorry." those lips say, and jisung buries his face into minho's shirt, crying even harder than before as he repeats the words. "i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry-"

minho holds onto him, whispering gentle words into jisung's ear. he doesn't hear any of them but minho says them anyway.

 

30/10/18

 

his downs are lasting longer than usual.

he stares at his ceiling at 3 in the morning. he contemplates calling minho but leaves it.

his eyes burn, but he can't be bothered to close them.

he feels fatigue running in his veins. it's weighing him down, muttering stupid, dumb things into his ear, that he doesn't listen to.

for now.

he's afraid that he'll start listening soon.

4 a.m rolls around and he still isn't asleep. he may have cried in the last hour or so. he can't remember.

his downs are lasting longer than usual.

 

03/11/18

 

"sungie. you need to eat."

jisung is sitting up in his bed, and minho is there. he's holding a bowl of soup and painstakingly trying to feed jisung a mouthful.

jisung turns to see minho looking at him, and he looks so desperate and like he might start crying.

jisung hates himself for making minho that way, so he complies and opens his mouth. 

he lets minho feed him until the bowl is empty. he thinks its chicken soup but it tastes like nothing to him. when it slides down his throat he feels like he might throw up.

thankfully he doesn't.

he listens to minho and drinks two small mouthfuls of water before he lies down again. minho holds his hand, stroking his knuckles.

"have you taken your meds?" when jisung shakes his head, minho gets up and jisung feels like the space beside him is too empty until minho comes back, jisung's meds in his hands. 

"please." minho hands him his meds, and after some gentle coaxing and some forehead kisses, jisung takes them.

minho's there until he falls asleep. 

when he wakes up, there's a note in his hand.

he doesn't read it.

 

06/11/18

 

when the news of his father passing away in an accident reaches him, jisung almost feels like he deserved it.

not his father. jisung.

he receives the news through a teary phone call from an aunt who barely bothers to check up on him. his father passed away on the 5th. it's the 6th now.

he wasn't even remembered enough to be informed on the day itself.

but it's okay. he's known for awhile.

minho comes in in the afternoon and before he even has the chance to say hello to jisung, the younger's phone rings. when jisung doesn't pick it up, minho does.

he talks. he hangs up.

he hugs jisung.

jisung wishes he could give something back, but there's nothing left to give.

he lets minho feed him some soup and water. when minho places a gentle kiss on his cheek, now sallow and sunken from his lack of eating, he wants to be able to tell minho that it's okay, that he'll be okay.

but his mind has had enough with him lying when he doesn't even believe it himself.

minho bustles around and emerges from jisung's shower, fresh and clean. 

he turns when jisung says something.

"..oodie." jisung says, and minho rushes to his side.

"can i. borrow your hoodie?" it comes out flat. he's not surprised. he hasn't spoken in three days. minho takes off his hoodie, leaving him in a tshirt, and passes it to jisung, who puts it on and promptly falls asleep.

somehow, when he wakes up, minho is there, next to him, one hand lazily laid across his waist more for reassurance than anything.

he loves minho, jisung thinks.

his mind doesn't remember it.

 

10/11/18- 11/11/18

 

he misses his own father's funeral.

instead, he goes to the rooftop garden. 

it's 11 in the morning. he stays until it's well past the evening, and he doesn't jump when minho opens the door, panting and worried and relieved.

"jisung, oh my god." minho hugs him tightly. 

jisung wants to cry but he doesn't.

when night falls, minho falls asleep, tired, on jisung's shoulder.

jisung doesn't sleep. he stares at the stars.

maybe he'll see his father up there.

he's always been somewhere, even if it wasn't with jisung, but now he's not here anymore.

so jisung looks for him in the skies.

in the morning, he gently moves from under minho and goes home.

 

14/11/18

 

he doesn't know how he lets the words leave his lips, but when he stares at minho who's actually crying- he remembers what he'd said.

_we need to break up._

it hurts him, too. it hurts to see minho cry, trying not to, but crying harder. 

 _why?_ minho asks, and jisung doesn't know.

no.

jisung does know.

he turns, pushing the words out from his burning throat.

"i don't love you anymore."

when minho finally leaves, jisung stares at his hands for a few hours.

he's a bad liar.

 

16/11/18

 

minho still sends him messages reminding him to take his meds.

jisung leaves them unopened.

 

19/11/18

 

jisung is empty.

 

20/11/18

 

he doesn't think he has anyone to live for anymore.

 

21/11/18

 

maybe he shouldn't.

but he has to.

 

22/11/18

 

no, he doesn't.

 

24/11/18

 

when jisung finds minho's note, crumpled under his sheets, he reads it.

he owes that much to minho.

he doesn't finish before the tears fall. 

 

25/11/18

 

he's cold. 

 

 

the police don't know who to call.

 

_03/11/18_

 

_jisung. sungie. i'll never get tired of your name._

_i know you don't think you deserve me. but the truth is, i don't think i deserve you._

_does that make us a perfect match?_

_just kidding._

_i'm writing this as you're sleeping. you look so peaceful, i wish you always felt like this._

_i wanted to say: i love you. when i first saw you, in the library. i knew i had to know you better. i'm so happy you asked me to follow you somewhere. i'm so happy i got to know you. i'm so, so happy you like me, and remembered my birthday._

_i want to know you forever, sungie. even when it feels like you don't know yourself._

_i do. i'll tell you until you can remember._

_all i want to say is that i'll be here. always. even if you hate me. even if you say the worst things. i know i'll love you for a long time, even until the stars burn out and the world is plunged into eternal darkness (or something)._

_you're all the light i need, sungie._

_love, minho._

 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry
> 
> i love u minho i love u jisung mwah
> 
> hopefully you didn't cry that hard, if you did. 
> 
> love you guys! thank you so so much for reading. i've been in an extra angsty mood recently and just had to get it out somehow.
> 
> leave a comment if you have anything to say, i love reading them. have a nice rest of the day! :)


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